On Burning Bright & Out (2)
Part 2 of A letter from the editors
This is part two of our update; part one was sent out yesterday. You are free to do as you please, but if you haven’t read that one yet, this one might just come across as whiny. Thx, PTK <3
On Burning Out 🔥
Ok, so yesterday we told you what we did in July, all that we accomplished. Today we need to talk about what has been going on behind the scenes and why we (REALLY) haven’t posted in two months.
In January of 2024, three big things were simultaneously happening in the PTK-verse. One was related mostly to Kelly. One related mostly to me. One related fully to Poetry Trapper Keeper.
Kelly was applying to a new Girl boss job after having dedicated a full year to this project & worker’s organizing.
I was applying to MFA programs.
We were applying for the production grant through Queer Amsterdam.
That entire month was one of intense and idealistic “what ifs”.
“Omg what if we get this grant? Then I’d be coming to Europe this summer!” (You already read yesterday’s update so you know where this is headed)
“What if you get the job? Would you still have time for the project?”
“What if I don’t get into any visual arts programs? Wait, should I apply to a creative writing one just to see if I can get in?”
In these individual scenarios we posed to each other on our video calls, we failed to imagine one very specific scenario— WHAT IF IT ALL HAPPENS AND YES ALL OF IT AT THE SAME TIME AND IT ALL CULMINATES IN THE SAME MONTH? WHAT IF YOU BITCHES (Kelly & I) MANIFESTED A LITTLE TOO HARD OR ARE A LITTLE TOO COMPETENT?
In late February, Kelly got the job offer.
In early March, I was offered a place in the University of British Columbia’s Master’s of Fine Art in Creative Writing.
In early April, we received confirmation that our project QUEERHOUSE had been accepted for subsidy through Queer Amsterdam.
So much changed, so quickly for us. Behind the scenes we no longer had the privilege of time, and had an ever growing list of demands, responsibilities, collaborators, and challenges.
Kelly’s days were now limited by her new job’s hours; her previous self-employed schedule, which had given us plenty of flexibility and time to dedicate to this project, was no longer dependent upon our own desires. Her reentry into a structured work routine was difficult to balance as it brought to the surface a lot of the corporate, hyper capitalist, fabricated sense of urgency which she has already written about here; the very feelings which lead to her burning out in the first place (and subsequently starting PTK) years ago.
I have no idea how Kelly even did it. She was working 9-6 at her new job, & taking PTK and work council meetings everyday, for hours after work. She managed to coordinate all the QUEERHOUSE bureaucracy, admin, planning, and accounting while ALSO helping me navigate the complex emotions which were tied to my own work overload.
Oh yeah, did I forget to mention my overload? I was facing my own professional crisis of success, having returned to the art world, almost sort of accidentally after my (burnout mandated) two year sabbatical. I just said yes to too many things. So now, in addition to co-planning QUEERHOUSE & an international move to Canada, I was also somehow preparing for a solo exhibition at Asa Basa, another three group exhibitions around Brazil, co-curating an exhibition in London with Olivia Abando, and dealing with weekly hospital visits and IV infusions for the mysterious chronic illness I’ve been keeping a secret from y’all?
Kelly was truly my rock through it all. She is the only reason this project is still going. She held it all together, held me together through it all. When I finally landed in Amsterdam in July, it seemed as though no time had passed at all since last summer. We had one incredible evening where we were able to breathe and glow, proud of all we had done, of what we had made of this project.
But so much time has passed since July of 2023, and so much had happened. All these amazing opportunities shared centre stage with high levels of stress and demands. All the while, amidst the personal victories, the horrors persisted. At so many points over the previous months we questioned our purpose, and even our ability to amplify joy and celebration through QUEERHOUSE, while genocide, rights violations, and climate catastrophe continued.
We’ve both been very open at PTK about our neurodivergence, our mental health struggles, and our past burnouts. When we both began to sense the smell of smoke—sometime mid June, we felt we needed to acknowledge it but let whatever fire continue. There is such a huge feeling of impotence which comes with knowing your brain simply cannot handle as much as you want to. To get everything you’ve ever wanted, everything you know you could be good at and feel like you’re failing at it because of something as silly as your own humanity. There was a strange feeling of perceived ingratitude, like we were nauseated by a feast the universe had prepared for us.
Once I landed in Amsterdam on July 2nd, we both knew the pace we were going at was not something we could sustain for much longer. We knew it wasn’t working, we weren’t working. We were bickering, overwhelmed, tired. We hadn’t written a poem in months. But we thought we just needed to power through, to get through the next fifteen days. To sprint to the finish, even if it was a race we knew we were gonna lose anyway.
We powered through. And through. And through. And then QUEERHOUSE was done, and there was still more through to power through. So many more miles to run. We thought QUEERHOUSE would be the finish line, but it was just one sprint inside a marathon.
—
I landed in Canada on Friday morning, August 23rd. After three canceled flights1, being separated from my dog for 24 hours, and many, many airport meltdowns, it finally felt like a finish line of sorts.
Perhaps these emails I am (FINALLY) sending out serve as a participation trophy of sorts; I am not sure if I’m being awarded it by someone, or if perhaps you are the one who is getting it for having read this far.
Someday soon I will write about the past two months, but not today.
Today I’m here to tell you:
Kelly and I so appreciate your patience
We are so proud of what we’ve accomplished with QUEERHOUSE.
that pride doesn’t negate the fact that we are both overextended and burned out at the moment.
I’m about to go back to university after 10 years
Kelly can’t do any admin right now
Kelly and I are ok and still soulmates & we are learning to be ok together when neither one is ok. We aren’t fighting anymore.
We need a little more time. Things will change for a bit.
Love is real. Good things happen. We will be ok.
This is our project & we can do whatever the fuck we need to in order to make it last.
PTK forever <3
For the next few months, we will be publishing the results of our open call! We have been so lucky to have so many truly incredible pieces to pull from, thank you to all who applied, it was a great pleasure. The selected pieces will be published on Wednesdays, starting on September 4th and continuing through the end of the year. I will be popping in occasionally with my own reflections and commentary. Kelly needs a longer break, so don’t expect to see her around (thought this is her home too and if she feels like it she will do whatever she fucking wants).
This small adjustment in our posting schedule is TEMPORARY but it will give us some much needed time to adjust to the new lives we’ve somehow whispered into existence. It will also give you the chance to fully experience and engage with the writers from our community who have been so kind and so patient in sharing their work with us.
We are so grateful.
Everything we are, is also you.
Even the ashes.
XOXO,
Larissa (&Kelly)
Poetry Trapper Keeper
I should have expected the series of unfortunate events when I decided to move during a Mercury retrograde/super full moon combo.
I related to this post soooo much!! Just because we CAN do it all, doesn't mean we should. Big 🫂 and ❤️ to you both!