This is not a thrill
Hello parasocial pals! Larissa here once again writing to you with sand between my toes and a sun I’m already forgetting setting before my eyes.
I’ve only been in two (unhappy) relationships in my life. After leaving the last one 4 years ago I resolved to do 2 things:
I need to write about this as much as possible, while the feeling of heartbreak is fresh, and milk from it every last metaphor
I need to be single for a very long time
I did both, with varying levels of success and satisfaction.
Because of resolution 1, I romanticized the shit out of that break up. Because of resolution 2, I dedicated myself to my platonic relationships. I thought eventually I would “”””HEAL”””” and be ready for a New Romantic Relationship™️ (or “WANT TO WANT TO DATE” as I’ve said in therapy too much and too often).
A month ago I found myself absentmindedly selecting Khadija Mbowe’s video on the state of modern dating as background noise for my shower (I have ADHD and crave 24h stimulation). I emerged from the shower sobbing as I realized they had put into words everything I had ever felt since I was a child. “I’m aromantic” they said in the video, and I realized “oh oh maybe this makes sense???”
Kelly asked if they are polyamorous or if they just like having friends. In response I have been asking, am i just a romantic aromantic?
I romanticize everything: my new lime green flip flops, the beads of water pooling around the blue soda can, a nap on a stranger’s couch, the ripple of friendship which surfs on from one continent to another via FaceTime. Past relationships, breakups, jelly filled donuts, tulle, my dog. You name it, I can love it. I know I’m not the only one as I see discourse after video essay after meme about this romanticizing of life we have been doing.
However, beyond a main-character-lens reframing of my daily cup of coffee, I realized my life has never been as full of love and connection as it has been in the past two years. I feel lonely rarely. My platonic connections are more fulfilling, and often more challenging and rewarding than any New Romantic Relationship™️. Very little of me (if any tbh, but I’m still figuring that out) is drawn to seeking/keeping/maintaining a New Romantic Relationship™️.
Kelly asked, Who benefits when we infantilize those of us who have invested in [platonic relationships], but not [romantic ones]? I’ve realized that in an attempt to prevent that infantilization from reaching me I have forced myself to either enter New Romantic Relationships™️ that I didn’t want and use their status as a shield OR to give a series of excuses and cliches to JUSTIFY not pursuing one (both to others and myself).
Here is the hall of fame of Reasons I’ve given for not wanting a New Romantic Relationship™️ :
“I’m married to my job”
“I’m still not over my ex”
“I’m focusing on my mental health”
“I’m grieving”
“I don‘t know if i like men”
“I don’t know if I like women”
“I don’t know if I like sex”
(All uttered in the past year)
One of my mom’s favorite anecdotes about me is how I (at 8 years old) used to say I wanted to marry a pilot because I had read some statistic somewhere about how airline pilots are only home for 100 days a year and how I would therefore have so much more time to spend with my friends.
Spoiler alert, I like sex (with both men and women and people of all genders), I’d just rather hang out with my friends (and maybe even sleep with them) than have a Romantic Relationship™️.
And like…
Anyway, it’s all just things I’ve been thinking about…
Here’s a poem
This is not a thrill
Parasocial polycule Leaving Slug trails glitter On your face Tears open sea Bound to non pornographic Friend watching waves away From shore not Drowning for Once There were jellyfish 🪼 🪼🪼🪼🪼🪼🪼
I love my friends, not as filler, fully. Thank you for reading.
L
Also
🩷
This is not a drill!
CALLING ALL (Amsterdam based) HOT & GAY & TORTURED POETS!!! Poetry Trapper Keeper has partnered with Unwanted Words to bring you the Unwanted Words x Poetry Trapper Keeper "Tortured Poets Department" Mic and Listening Party! Hosted at Lola Lieven on 19 April from 19-22h.
We will be selecting 13 poets to join us on stage! Submissions open through the form (link in bio!). The form will be open until end of day on 1 April.
For more information please look at the form!
***THIS EVENT IS IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM ASSOCIATED WITH, ENDORSED BY, PROMOTED BY, OR AFFILIATED WITH TAYLOR SWIFT, HER RECORD COMPANY UNIVERSAL MUSIC AND/OR ANY OTHER PARTY ASSOCIATED WITH SWIFT. THIS IS AN INDEPENDENT FAN EVENT.***
Also
We were interviewed by Yessica Klein for That Poetry Thing! We talk desks, snacks, poetry, and frozen pizza, and of course, FRIENDSHIP! Go read it!