Bottle Episode🤬

I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking 😒

Larissa’s response to bad sitcoms and Kelly’s piece "Some of you will like this, some of you won’t”

Bottle Episode

For now all the budget and circumstances will allow for is a contained set with a fixed cast. 

The scene opens—the same familiar apartment with its millennial pink armchairs and an excessive amount of Danish design pieces. Characters Lorena and Wayne sit down. They are in their bathrobes and appear to have just woken up. 

Lorena: Goooood morning darling!

Wayne: grunts 

Lorena: Uh-oh…. I guess I forgot you only change back into your human form after your first cup of coffee! 

[laugh track]

Lorena: I’m going to make us some. 

Lorena stands up and walks over to Wayne, giving him a kiss on the forehead 

Wayne: more incoherent grunting

Lorena: Ok gremlin, we will get you transformed in no time!

[laugh track] 

Lorena disappears into the kitchen to the left of the frame. 

Wayne: grunts 

[laugh track] 

Lorena walks back into frame from the same side she exited with two mugs of coffee in hand. One of them says “my love language is coffee”; the other is solid pink. 

Lorena (handing the pink mug to Wayne): Here you go darling…. Now, there is something I must talk to you about. But please, have your first sip before I go on. 

Wayne sips the coffee. A puff of smoke appears to surround him. Once the smoke clears we see that he looks freshly shaved and is wearing a suit. 

[laugh track]

Wayne: Why dear, good morning! This cup of coffee is utterly delicious! But not as lovely as my wife!

Lorena: Darling, there’s something we must discuss. 

Wayne: Oh boy...  

Wayne looking directly at camera A: Women, am I right? 

[extended laugh track]

Lorena (oblivious): Well, you know how when we went to bed last night I asked if you had the done the dishes? 

Wayne: Yes of course! I did them just like I’m supposed to do every night. 

Lorena looks into camera B and rolls her eyes. 

[laugh track]

Lorena: Right! Of course! Then I think we have a much bigger problem! 

Wayne: Oh no! What is it? 

Lorena: It looks like someone is breaking into our home and pulling all of the previous night’s dishes out of the cupboard and figuring out exactly what I made for dinner the night before and recreating the recipe and leaving all their dirty dishes in the sink! Isn’t that wacky? 

[laugh track] 

Lorena: Why didn’t you do the dishes. I swear to god. You’re such an asshole. But it’s more the fact that when you came to bed last night and I EXPLICITLY asked if you had done the dishes, because you know it’s the only chore you’re in charge of, because you know I don’t want to ruin my nails, because you know that I don’t trust you to function without me babying your every move because you know you’re an irresponsible alcoholic fuckhead who can never get his shit together and expects praise for the bare minimum…well when I explicitly asked if you had done the dishes you said you had. And I walk into the fucking kitchen and all the dirty dishes are still in the sink and you’re going to try to gaslight me into believing they are not!

Wayne: They are not. 

With a puff of smokes the dishes disappear 

[extended laugh track] 

Wayne: Maybe if you weren’t such a cunt all the fucking time I wouldn’t lie to you. Have you ever thought about the fact that I don’t like lying to you? That I only do it because your reactions are so unpredictably disproportionate and inappropriate that it leaves me with no other choice? 

Lorena: Right. I’m sorry. 

I’m so sorry. 
I’m so terribly sorry. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle and my lungs and my heart are no more. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle and my lungs and my heart are no more than a sunburn and a fading tan. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle and my lungs and my heart are no more than a sunburn and a fading tan that remind me of the joy of sandy island-time. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle and my lungs and my heart are no more than a sunburn and a fading tan that reminds me of the joy of sandy island-time and the hope that this time the sun will not blister my skin. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle and my lungs and my heart are no more than a sunburn and a fading tan that reminds me of the joy of sandy island-time and the hope that this time the sun will not blister my skin and that when I return to work people will admire my toasted look. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle and my lungs and my heart are no more than a sunburn and a fading tan that reminds me of the joy of sandy island-time and the hope that this time the sun will not blister my skin and that when I return to work people will admire my toasted look and I will recount the sunscreen scented kisses and the sea foam green. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle and my lungs and my heart are no more than a sunburn and a fading tan that reminds me of the joy of sandy island-time and the hope that this time the sun will not blister my skin and that when I return to work people will admire my toasted look and I will recount the sunscreen scented kisses and the sea foam green of your eyes and I will know. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle and my lungs and my heart are no more than a sunburn and a fading tan that reminds me of the joy of sandy island-time and the hope that this time the sun will not blister my skin and that when I return to work people will admire my toasted look and I will recount the sunscreen scented kisses and the sea foam green of your eyes and I will know finally. 
I’m so terribly sorry for all the things I did without thinking because I was too busy hoping that any day now they would happen and I would finally be happy and I would maybe come to that conclusion that there are only two paths and that they intersect and their meeting point is slicing me straight down the middle and my lungs and my heart are no more than a sunburn and a fading tan that reminds me of the joy of sandy island-time and the hope that this time the sun will not blister my skin and that when I return to work people will admire my toasted look and I will recount the sunscreen scented kisses and the sea foam green of your eyes and I will know finally that I had a reason to be so terribly sorry. 


[laugh track]

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Hello to all my exes who have not blocked me…. oh wait, that leaves no one😠…. so I guess hello poetry readers🥰! Hope you enjoyed this poem that is a bit too weird and long (even by my standards!!!😱). I leave you with a challenge:

-write a poem

-when you think it’s done treat it like your 8th grade book report: add as much unnecessary information and filler words as possible

-look at your overstuffed sausage of a poem

-how does it make you feel?

-call your mom/therapist/sibling and tell them.

see you next week🥳!

xoxo- L